Against The World
by MonkeyPajamas
Summary: Ends at a natural(ish) point, but unlikely to ever be truly finished how I envisioned. Set during the S2-3 time jump. Jane is on the run and discovers she's pregnant (um, spoiler alert for the first chapter I guess)
1. Against The World

Don't own Blindspot. Attempting a multichapter thing. Hoping it works out.

* * *

" _You ever thought about having one of our own?"_

Those words haunted Jane. They were the last 'normal' words they had. The last normal moment they had. Before she had a chance to respond – before she even had a chance to think – the phones had rang and they had been attacked and it had all gone to hell.

Suddenly, the idea of having a child with Kurt didn't seem as important.

She'd replayed that night over and over in her mind.

It had been a normal day.

That's what she couldn't get out of her head. How entirely normal it had been.

After Allie picked up Bethany in the morning, they went back to sleep for a few more hours until the sunlight made it impossible to pretend anymore.

Kurt had cooked breakfast – eggs, toast, and juice – while Jane went for a run.

After breakfast, they worked on the house for a bit – there was always something that needed repaired, repainted, or replaced. That morning they had worked in the yard – pulling weeds, pruning bushes, that sort of stuff.

It was all so mundane.

Allie had dropped Bethany off again right before bedtime. Kurt got some playtime with his daughter, but she was tired, and they started bath early. Jane dried the little girl off and got her pajamas on while Kurt prepped the bottle. Then they switched – Jane would go out to make dinner as Kurt rocked Bethany to sleep. Sometimes Jane would stand outside the door, listening to him sing lullabies. He had a terrible voice. He couldn't carry a tune if his life depending on it. But listening to him sing to his daughter – well, suddenly his out of key, tone deaf singing didn't seem to matter.

She took her time making dinner – Kurt fell asleep while rocking Bethany nearly every night. But just as she was about to go check on them, he walked out of the nursery.

Had she ever thought about having kids with Kurt?

She'd be lying if she'd denied it outright, but it was always more of a wish or an eventually thought. Not something she actually thought about in reality.

She knew she loved Kurt. And she loved Bethany, too. Watching him play with Bethany, sometimes it did make her wander what it would be like to have a child that was theirs. Allie had made it clear that Jane was just as much a part of this family as anyone, but it would never be the same as a child of their own.

But still – that was always an eventually thought. Her world was still spinning. She'd barely had time to form a stable life – she'd barely just learned who she really was, made peace with her family, stopped a nuclear attack, gotten married, moved across the country – it was too much to ever think seriously about having a child right now.

Not that it mattered anymore.

Because assassins had attacked. Because she had a bounty on her head. Because they wouldn't stop – no matter who was hurt. Because she was halfway across the world.

So when she stared at the calendar, she tried to tell herself it didn't matter. That it didn't mean anything. One day. That's all it was. Sure it had always been like clockwork before, but that didn't mean anything. It was just one day.


	2. Remembering The Future

A broken phone and a broken computer made this chapter take longer than expected.

* * *

" _The most painful state of being is remembering the future. Particularly one you can never have." Soren Kierkegaard_

Jane hadn't really had a plan when she got off the plane in France. At least not anything more than "find the guy, remove the bounty, get back to Kurt."

Kurt would have left everything – Bethany, the FBI, Sarah and Sawyer – _everything_ – to be with her. That wasn't fair to ask of him. She loved him too much to make him give up his life for her. Jane couldn't do that to him – ask him to choose between his daughter and her. Even if Kurt had come with her – she'd still have that bounty hanging over her head at every turn. No, she needed real freedom. It had been nearly impossible to leave him behind, but it was the only way. That way, when she returned, they could have the life they had always imagined, the life they deserved.

Jane made her way across France and Germany, spending the nights in hostels where she could blend in with other transients as she made her way across Europe. She picked up information about close calls the others had had – areas where crime seemed to happen, sketchy people they passed – and made notes to check them out. It seemed unlikely that someone could accidentally stumble across this mysterious dark web fixer, but she had to start somewhere.

She never spent more than a few days in the same city, afraid of attracting attention. No matter how much she felt secure in the anonymous hostels, she was still covered in tattoos. She could be tracked and identified anywhere, and the longer she stayed in one place, the more likely it was to happen.

She was in Austria when she realized the date.

She stared at the calendar, checking and rechecking the date in her head. It had to have been a mistake. She thought back to the last times, trying to do the math and remember. They were careful, but – Jane couldn't deny that sometimes they were a little lax about things like that. She bit her lip as she thought about it. " _I can't be… I can't_ " the words echoed in her head. She was certain it was just a mistake. That maybe the stress of the past few weeks had pushed it back. She hadn't been eating that well either, maybe that was it. The excuses ran through her mind, trying to find any reason except the one she feared the most.

Jane left early the next morning, not waiting for the bus. She needed to move, to escape the thoughts in her head. She hiked for hours, not stopping until the evening. The movement felt good, rhythmic. As she walked, she did a scan of her body, trying to notice anything different – or trying to convince herself that everything was the same. She wasn't sure which.

When she finally reached Salzburg, she found an out of the way hotel to stay at for a few days. Although Keaton had set her up with new identities and paperwork, she tried to refrain from using them, preferring the anonymous hostels and catching rides with locals. But tonight, Jane wanted privacy.

She paced around the small room, one foot in front of the other, trying to find the same peace in repetition she had earlier in the day. But through it all, all she could concentrate on was the tiny stick in the bathroom. Never before had three minutes taken so long.

Jane tried one after the other, hoping for a different result.

Positive. Every single one.

 _Shit_.

x~x~x

Jane stayed there for three days, hoping to find some clarity.

She was used to action – when something needed done, she just did it. That was all she knew how to do. When she first came out of the bag covered in tattoos, she followed the leads. When she was asked to be a triple agent to take down Sandstorm, she did it. Even now – when she heard she had a bounty on her head, she was determined to stop it. Even when she didn't know _what_ to do – she still went out and did something. Staying still wasn't an option.

But now she was lost.

Jane kept going over it in her head, pacing around the hotel room for hours.

I'm _pregnant_.

It never changed. She didn't have a plan. But all she knew was if she wasn't smart, someone would kill her – and her child. Suddenly there was more at stake than ever before.

Jane had known all along that someone might actually succeed in killing her. There had been too many close calls in her life for her not to know that was a possibility. Sure, she was a strong fighter, but without Keaton's warning, she and Kurt would have both died in Colorado.

 **Kurt**.

It hurt every time Jane thought of him. She placed her hand on her still flat stomach. He needed to know. She wanted him to know. This child was as much of him as it was her. Every time Jane pictured this moment, she pictured Kurt by her side. He was everything to her, and now she was carrying a piece of him with her. She had barely been able to leave when it was just herself. Now, facing the realization that she was keeping their child away from him also – she couldn't bear the thought.

But that brought Jane back to the exact reason she left. To keep him safe. To keep _everyone_ safe. They had been attacked. In their home. Where Bethany was sleeping just feet away. She couldn't do that to him, to Bethany, or to their child. If she went back, they would do it again and again. And every time, not only was she putting herself at risk, and this new baby, but also Kurt, Bethany, Allie, and everyone she loved and cared about. There would be no stopping them until she was dead.

" _I could stay away, Kurt would never know."_ Jane thought, hating herself instantly. She couldn't really be considering not telling him, could she? That was the whole reason she suggested moving to Colorado – so Kurt could be closer to his daughter. And now here she was, thinking of keeping the mere existence of his child a secret from him. Of trying to raise a child halfway across the world, while fighting off assassins at every turn?

Jane sighed, sitting down on the bed. This felt impossible – more than it had before. She wanted him to know, to share this moment with her, and all the moments that followed. But that desire was only matched by the need to keep him safe at all costs. Too many people had died because of her. Even if she told him, there was no guarantee. Sure, Keaton could give him new documents, and they could be together, but the bounty would still be there. Ten million dollars was not easily forgotten.

As if on cue, the window shattered as two masked assailants broke into the hotel room.


	3. Suddenly Lost

Author's Note: Fully honesty – I've got mental illness and can't write while I'm in a depressive episode. Hence the long delay in posting this. Promise I haven't forgotten about it. I love this little story and thanks to everyone who is following along.

* * *

" _It's when you think you have found perfection that all is suddenly lost." Unknown_

His back hurt when he woke up. Even weeks later, that was the main thing he remembered – how much his back hurt.

It only took a second for the rest to come flooding back – why he was sleeping in the chair in the first place, the attack, Jane.

Life had been so peaceful, nearly idyllic in Colorado. It had just been a month since they moved west. Most of that time was spent fixing up their new house. But that didn't matter. It had felt like home the moment he carried Jane across the threshold. It was theirs. Looking back, Kurt couldn't believe how natural it felt. He had Jane, Bethany, and his heart was as full as it ever had been. Life made sense.

Last night had changed all that.

He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. It was still dark outside, so Kurt figured they could at least sneak a few more hours of sleep before they had to face reality.

He did a quick check of Bethany, laying his hand on her cheek. She shifted at his touch, lightly pressing into him. She was safe. That was all that mattered right now. He couldn't believe how close it had been. Of all the fears that had plagued him since becoming a father – killers attacking him at home had never been one of them. His job was dangerous, but he always worried about making it back home, not what happened after he was home. Kurt was so certain he could keep his daughter safe – the right crib, sleeping on her back, taking her to the doctor. That was what he could control. He never realized that was the easy part.

Kurt wearily walked towards the bedroom. He knew what they would have to do – Keaton's warning was very clear. Whatever peace they had felt just twelve hours before was gone. But he didn't have to face that, not yet. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around his wife, and know that she was safe. "Whatever we face, we face together," he told her earlier. Everything was better when they were together.

The bed was empty and cold, and Kurt's life changed forever.

Kurt's first thought was that it was the end – somehow Jane had been taken while he slept. His mind raced as he tried to piece it together. If they had taken her, Jane would have fought; it would have woken him up. There had to be a clue. His heart raced as he looked around the room, trying to find anything that was out of place.

He would have missed it if it hadn't been for the tiny glint that caught his eye. He walked closer, feeling a catch in his throat. He knew what it was even before he saw it. He knew what it meant.

She left her ring.

It wasn't the attackers; it wasn't some random assassin, or a criminal. Jane had left on purpose. And she left her ring behind so he would know. He couldn't help the anger and hurt that started to rise up. He knew it was some misguided attempt to protect him, but her absence was more painful than any bullet wound ever could be. She had to know that. He couldn't do this without her.

In desperation, he called anyone he could think of, trying to find someone who knew where Jane went.

Allie looked around the broken chaos of their living room, holding Bethany tightly. "Kurt, no, for the last time, I did not help her. You didn't even call me, for god's sake. Your house gets broken into and our daughter is at risk – " Kurt's glare cut her off. "I get it. But she's not with the Marshals. No matter how many times you ask."

"She's somewhere, Allie. She couldn't disappear without help." Kurt said tensely, walking around the living room grabbing item after item, picking them up and placing them down again. He couldn't stop moving – if he stopped moving, it felt like he was giving up. He needed to be moving, to be making progress, to be getting closer to her.

"Listen, Kurt. I know you're upset. Rightfully so. But, I promise, I've searched every database. She's not in WitSec. There would be a paper trail, a notation, something. Wherever she is… she's on her own."

"She's safe."

Kurt's head whipped around to see Keaton standing in the doorway. "What did you say?" His eyes narrowed as he walked closer. "Where is she?"

"Listen, Kurt, I know you don't understand…."

"What I don't understand is how you took my _wife_ and aren't telling me where she is."

Keaton shifted his weight, standing up straighter as Kurt approached. "She's on a plane, that's all I know. She wouldn't tell me anything else."

The anger boiled inside Kurt. He never liked Keaton, that much was for sure. The man was evil – he'd tortured Jane, lied, withheld information. They'd had a rocky truce since Sandstorm, but this, this crossed the line. Keaton was a husband, a father – he knew what it was like to love somebody and face losing them. And even with that – he took Jane.

"Where. Is. She?" Kurt asked between gritted teeth.

"I told you, I don't know."

Kurt didn't even realize what happened until he saw the blood streaming down Keaton's face. His eyes still glaring at Keaton, he shook out his fist. It had felt good. Long overdue in fact. He'd wanted to punch the man since they'd first met. He let out a low growl, intending to do it again if Keaton didn't give him answers.

"Kurt!" Allie's voice sounded in the background, just barely in Kurt's awareness.

"Tell me what you do know then."

Keaton dabbed at his nose with his sleeve. "It's Jane we're talking about here. She was going to do it with or without me. At least this way she's safe."

"How do you know that? She could have been killed the second you left her at the airport!" His voice was raw, pleading. "You could have stopped her. You chose not to."

"You know that wouldn't work."

"He's right, you know," Allie said, her voice finally breaking into the chaos into his head. "She's stubborn as hell. Just like you."

Kurt stared at her for a moment. He knew she was right. Jane had made up her mind the second she heard about the threat. She was stubborn and worse yet, he knew he would have done the same thing. He wouldn't have put Jane at risk, no matter the personal cost. He couldn't decide what he hated more in that moment – Jane for doing it – or himself for knowing he would have done exactly the same thing.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself. He had to make a plan. Kurt leaned over, pressing a kiss to Bethany's forehead, and without saying a word, walked towards the bedroom. He grabbed his suitcase from the closet, haphazardly grabbing and dumping clothes in from the drawers.

"Kurt, what are you doing?!" Allie stood in the doorway, her eyes wide as she watched him.

"I'm going after her," Kurt marched into the bathroom, quickly grabbing the essential items.

"Where? Keaton said he didn't know where she was!"

"She's out there, Allie. And I've gotta find her."

Kurt was agitated throughout the entire flight, causing more than a few glances his way as he fidgeted and repeatedly checked his phone. But as soon as he stepped off the plane in Venice, he felt a calm envelop his body that he hadn't felt since the attack. He knew she was here, she had to be.

He hurried to the canals, catching the first vaporetto he found to St. Marks Square.

 _He'd researched everything, planned it down to the last detail. It had to be perfect. It was her first vacation, and she kept insisting that it was too much. But she didn't know what he was planning – what he had been planning for weeks. He'd made the reservations at the fanciest hotel he'd found – roses, bottle of champagne, the whole works. That first night was heaven, spent wrapped up in each other's arms, never feeling more at peace. The next day was filled with sightseeing and canal rides, ending in a romantic dinner at Terrazza Danieli. The sun had set when they ventured out to St Mark's Square, but the lights still glistened all around. They walked slowly, taking in all the sights, making plans to come back. They were in front of the basilica when he stopped suddenly. Her face was lit by the lights, shining brightly as she smiled._

 _He fought so hard to get the words out. Everything that he practiced and rehearsed was immediately forgotten. She meant everything to him, and he needed to tell her, but it came out messy instead. At some point he must have asked, because all of a sudden she was kissing him and saying "yes, yes, yes."_

 _The line to get back into the canal was too long for them to wait, and Jane gave him a sly smile as she tugged his hand. They ran back the way they came, Jane leading the way to a small, hole in the wall hotel that she had seen earlier that evening. All thoughts of roses and chocolate covered strawberries were forgotten as they locked the door behind them, collapsing into bed together._

"Please, sir, she has to be here." Kurt reached for his phone, trying to find a picture of Jane. "We were just here a few months ago."

"No signore," the old man behind the desk replied. "Very beautiful. But not here."

"Can you ask anyone else? She has to be."

"She not here, sir. I know every guest." He tapped the phone. "She not here."

He left the hotel feeling even more defeated than he had been the day before. He had been so certain she was here. No one else knew about this place – no one could have traced it back to them. She would have been safe here.

If she wasn't here, then where?


	4. Misfortune

Author's Note: Told you I didn't forget about this story. Still don't own anything though.

* * *

" _I lose all those who have the misfortune of approaching me."_

Jane jumped up, her right leg spinning out to kick the gun out of one of their hands before she could even process what was happening. Instinct had taken over.

The second assailant raised his gun, but Jane proved too quick for him. The bullet whizzed past her, lodging in the wall behind her. Before he could get a second round off, Jane knocked it out of his hand and kicked it under the bed.

It was still two vs one, but at least they were on more equal footing now. They may outnumber her, but she had speed and agility, something they were both sorely lacking in.

She turned her attention back to the first man, kicking him in his gut hard enough to send him stumbling back against the wall. The other man tried grabbing her from behind, but she flung her head back, hearing the solid crack of bone as her skull hit his nose. He grunted as he fell backwards, blood pouring down his face.

With them both stumbling for a moment, Jane had the upper hand, but she knew it wouldn't last. She had to finish them off. She scanned the room for a weapon; anything harder than a pillow seemed to be bolted down tight. She grabbed the lamp from the nearby table, instantly taking the cord in her hands and wrapping it around the one man's throat. His scream was weak, his mouth filling with blood from his nose; it came out more as a gurgle than a scream.

The next instant, pain radiated through Jane's body. The other assailant had kicked her in the side, and was now standing over her, the forgotten gun in his hands as he stared down at her. Jane panicked as her mind raced – the baby, the baby, the baby, it repeated over and over again.

Out of anger and adrenaline, she threw her leg up, kicking him in between the legs. He fell forward in pain, Jane just barely scrambling out of the way before he landed on her.

He tried to reach out, grabbing at her, and Jane threw an awkward punch that did the job – it connected with his chin bone and his head jutted back as he fell to the ground.

Jane stood up, shaken and sick. Her mind raced as she felt her side. The pain had dulled with the rush of adrenaline, but she was worried it could have broken a rib. That could require medical treatment, but it was better than the alternative, she thought, protectively resting her hands across her stomach.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves, as she looked around the room. The room was in disarray. There were shards of glass from the broken window all over, the bullet hole in the wall. The lam was on the ground, the cord still wrap around the one guy's neck. The two attackers lay unconscious, bodies twisted in heaps on the ground.

Jane knew she was on borrowed time – the police would be there any minute. Although she had checked in using one of the fake IDs that Keaton had provided, she'd been there for three days. _Three days_. She inwardly cursed herself for getting complacent. Plenty of people had seen her and could easily describe the 'dark haired woman covered in tattoos.' It didn't matter if she was Jane Doe, Rebecca Collins, or Elise Mosser. The name hardly mattered when her looks were that distinctive. Not much she could do about it now, except get out of there – and fast.

She briefly thought about staying, playing the victimized tourist. The area was a close enough to the Swiss Alps that it could be believable, but there would be too many questions and too much of a delay. If it happened out on the street, maybe she could pass that off. But breaking into a hotel room spoke of a crime much more personal in nature – and it was. The police wouldn't buy it, at least not before questioning her extensively. And even then, that would risk media exposure. An American tourist attacked in her hotel room was news bait waiting to happen. It would be a beacon for criminals and assassins around the world.

Being a fugitive seemed like the safer option.

Jane quickly gathered her things, trying to make sure she grabbed anything that could be traced back to her. She'd been traveling light out of necessity, but this time she took _anything_ that could possibly reveal her real identity. She'd dump it when she was safe, along with all her Rebecca Collins documents. Clearly, that ID had been burned. She'd have to be more careful in the future. Keaton had given her a few sets of documents, but she couldn't exactly buy replacements at the corner market. She had to save them for when it was really necessary.

 _And that could be sooner than expected,_ she thought, as she grabbed the pregnancy test off the counter. Jane had left one there, a physical reminder of the constant chaos in her head. She'd thrown them all away, but quickly pulled one out. She had felt stupid – it wasn't as if she could forget she was pregnant, but there was still something about having it, something to hold, something to prove that it wasn't some weird, stress induced nightmare. So she'd left it on the counter, and now it was coming with her. She shoved the stick into her pocket as she walked out the door.

The parking lot was empty, which didn't surprise her. A few random cars scattered about, but mostly deserted. Although she was in a touristy part of town, it was the off season, and besides, she hadn't exactly picked out a five star hotel. Maybe a few confused tourists were there, but Jane wouldn't be surprised if some locals used it for their own, less-than-legal dealings. Maybe that could work for her favor. The unconscious assailants she left behind certainly wouldn't be talking; perhaps her temporary neighbors would be silent also, lest they confess their own crimes.

She'd barely made it to the edge of the parking lot before she heard the first sirens. _So much for that_ , she thought. Jane ducked her head, and hurried along the street, joining the anonymous crowds.

If she had any plan before, it would have been shot to hell now. She knew that if she headed west, she could be in Germany in a few hours. At least that would be a temporary reprieve from the police, but it wouldn't get her any closer to her original objective.

But what _was_ her objective now?

The attack hadn't changed it, it only made the danger that much clearer. They wouldn't stop until she was dead. They'd found Jane Doe in Colorado, and Rebecca Collins in Austria. She'd always be a target, no matter where she was. And if Kurt was with her, not only would that put him in danger also, but it would double the chances of being spotted.

Jane knew two things for sure. She had to keep the baby safe. And she had to keep Kurt safe. Jane knew there wasn't much she could do about the pregnancy. All the 'typical' stuff like vitamins and testing went out the window when you're being hunted by assassins.

But she could protect Kurt. He may hate her, but at least he'd be alive. That was the reason she'd left in the first place. Too many people had died because of her already; she wasn't going to add Kurt to that list.

She'd find the fixer; take him and the bounty out. Then she'd go back to Kurt when it was safe. They could be a family again.

Jane wanted Kurt there. She wanted him to obsess about folic acid and sing to her belly; to drive with her to the doctors, staring at every ultrasound, with that dorky smile she knew he'd have.

She couldn't think like that. That wasn't possible. Better to just accept it now. She had to swallow her emotions – the fear along with the hope. Emotions caused mistakes, and mistakes would get her killed. Most of all, Kurt would want her safe. And to be safe, she had to complete the mission.

Jane walked until her feet could no longer carry her, finding a hostel that didn't ask any questions. She barely made it to a bed before she collapsed from exhaustion.

Jane stirred at sunrise, the noise of the hostel changing as people woke up and started their day. She felt even more exhausted than she had yesterday, her sleep restless as she went over her decision again and again. She knew what she had to do, to finish what she started. But she longed to hear his voice, to feel safe in his warm embrace.

Trying to push it aside, she gathered up her things, hoping to make it out of there before she caught anyone's attention. After yesterday's attack, Jane didn't need any more close calls.

She headed towards the bathroom to finish getting ready, and her heart dropped. As she went to the bathroom, she saw the blood.

* * *

Don't hate me.


	5. Courage

It will be okay. Also, I don't speak German, so if you have issues, blame google translate.

* * *

 _Sometimes living takes more courage than dying. –Jane Yolen_

It took every ounce of strength for Jane to continue on.

She had stared down, in shock, in confusion, in pain. She hadn't even fully grasped what it meant before a loud pounding on the bathroom door interrupted her thoughts. Jane quickly wiped away the tears she hadn't known had fallen, and hurried out to the common area.

"It doesn't change anything," she thought, the line repeating like a mantra over and over again as it ran through her head. She struggled to breath, to hold on to any thought before the pain took over. She had known this was a possibility. Jane knew that. She _knew_ that. But all that was before, before it was a real thing. Before she had the glimmer of hope, that she was pregnant, that maybe she and Kurt could have a family, that they could be happy.

Jane tried to tell herself that she could still protect Kurt. She had lost everything yesterday, but she could still protect him. She _had_ to protect him. Jane swallowed her pain, and vowed to keep going. For Kurt.

Jane set off, even more unsure than she had been in the past. She mindlessly boarded the first bus she found, not even caring where it was going.

She stared out the window for hours, watching the scenery change from the snowy foothills of the Alps to low lying plains and river beds. They passed through cities and small towns, and everything in between. Jane had no idea how much time had passed or even where she was when she departed at nightfall.

Jane walked around the town before finding a small room available. Her German wasn't great, but it worked. Or perhaps the owner just took pity on her – her hair was dirty and matted, her clothes worn. Jane pushed a pile of Euros towards him and the questions ended.

The room was small, the bed was old, but that didn't matter. She stared off into space, trying to process everything that had happened over the past few days, few weeks, few months. It all seemed so long ago, almost like a dream – one that she was slowly forgetting was ever real.

She closed her eyes, trying to hold on to memories before they drifted further away.

Jane stripped down to take a shower, try to wash the grime and pain of the day away. It was only then, as her clothes lay on the floor, that she saw it.

The pregnancy test. The one she had stuck in her pocket as she ran. The one she had held on to, to make it feel real.

Jane sat on the bed and cried, not caring who heard her anguished screams.

The sun peeking through the windows was what finally woke Jane. She wasn't sure how long she actually slept – like the morning before, she felt even more exhausted than she had when she had fallen asleep. Her eyes were puffy from the tears, her head was pounding, and her side still ached from the fight. Not only did her whole body hurt, Jane felt her weak, the emotional pain draining any strength she could muster.

She wanted to stay there another day. She wanted to hide in the old bed with the lumpy mattress and not move, not think. She thought about how easy it would be to go up, shove another handful of bills at the old man, and come back to bed. But at the same time, Jane knew she couldn't do that. Last time she'd stayed in the same place, they'd found her.

And she feared that this time, she'd let them kill her.

She packed up her stuff, splashing her face with water. It wasn't much, but it would have to do.

The streets were busier than the night before, the cacophony of traffic and voices overlapping around her. It almost felt like home, but on a much smaller scale. Everyone was involved with their own tasks, their own little world. She walked a few blocks aimlessly, until a small bakery caught her eye. She hadn't eaten in who knows how long, and the smells wafting through the air were irresistible. Jane eagerly bought one, and found a small table by the window. She picked at the sweet bread, feeling more capable than she had in the morning. She knew then that she could keep going, putting one foot in front of the other. That was the only option really, the only way to survive this pain.

She shoved half of the roll into her bag, unwilling to stay still any longer.

She found the bus depot where she'd departed 12 hours before, but the next bus wasn't due until the afternoon. So Jane set off on foot, afraid that if she waited, she'd get complacent. She had made the decision to go, and wasn't going to wait for a bus.

It didn't take long before Jane regretted that decision. The adrenaline that had fueled her first day of walking had long since faded. Her side ached with every breath, her feet burned with each step, it was as if her body was fighting her the entire way, telling her she should have stayed back, stayed in bed. And with nothing to distract her on the monotonous, well-worn paths, her mind kept cycling back to the same thought.

She'd lost the baby.

It was her fault.

She'd lost the baby.

It had only been a few days, and now it was gone.

It was all her fault.

She replayed the fight over and over again, blaming herself for every missed opportunity, every blow they landed, everything she had done wrong. If she hadn't left Kurt in the middle of the night, if they had taken out Sandstorm earlier. If she hadn't ….

The list went on and on.

And once again, she found herself wishing that she had died in that hotel room.

The tears started to fall, and Jane was unable to stop them. This was what she got, for thinking she was finally happy with Kurt, for believing that she was worthy of happiness. It had seemed to perfect in Colorado. If she had been back there, it would have been perfect. They'd be celebrating together, instead of mourning alone. He didn't know. He would never know.

The sun was high in the sky when she finally allowed herself to stop. The park was busy, filled with people – couples walking together, runners sprinting along trails, children playing with friends. It was a scene she had seen a million times before. It was a scene that was repeated in every park around the world. It simultaneously reminded Jane of home, and how far away home really was.

Jane sat on a bench, watching the people go by. She thought about how Kurt had taken her to Central Park for a picnic right after they started dating. She had known Central Park was big, but it wasn't until Kurt kept leading her along the paths, twisting further and further into the park that she realized just how big it really was. When they stopped, it was a field just like this one – filled with people and noises and joy. Jane hadn't expected it to feel as intimate as it did. They were surrounded by people, but still, it felt like her and Kurt were the only ones there. They talked about their future, the FBI, Colorado, Roman, everything. They'd stayed there all afternoon, just the two of them.

She thought about the park down the street from his apartment. It was small, barely qualifying as a park. But she knew that Kurt liked to go there to think, especially after a long day at work. Sometimes, she'd follow him, but other times, Jane would let him go, knowing he needed to be alone. And when he would come back, she was always waiting for him, ready to give him a hug and tell him that she loved him.

There was a park like that in Colorado also – Jane thinks that why he fell in love with the house, even with as much work as it needed – the park was just a short walk away. It was quieter in Colorado, no constant drone of the city. But there were stars, so many stars. Jane remembered the first clear night, after they moved in. She'd been the one out in the park, staring upwards in awe.

But that was all gone now. She was halfway across the world, and completely alone.

Jane's heart ached. Everything hurt, and she could no longer separate the physical pain from the emotional pain.

She knew she should keep moving. Movement gave her a purpose, something to focus on. But she couldn't force herself to move, to stand up. Her head started to swim, and she began to feel lightheaded. Pain shot through her body every time she took a breath, and she started to gasp for air.

"Ah, hallow. Du bist wach," a cheery voice said.

Jane's eyes blinked as she tried to focus. The light was blindingly bright, and her head was foggy, she couldn't concentrate on anything. She noticed that she didn't hurt anymore, but still, her body felt disconnected from her, as if she was drugged. She tried to remember what happened, but couldn't remember anything past the park.

"Wh – " she croaked out, her mouth dry. "Where am I?"

"Diakoniekrankenhaus Halle" the voice replied.

Jane could see the nurse now, the woman in white busying herself checking Jane's chart and making notes.

"Wie heißen Sie?" she asked, staring at Jane.

"Jane," she answered automatically, before cringing inwardly. She wasn't Jane here. She couldn't use her real name; she didn't even have any IDs with Jane on them. "Jane… Alexander," she replied, using Kurt's middle name. Kurt had teased her when they had talked about if she would take his last name when they got married. She'd laughed and explained that she wanted to keep Doe because it was such a good conversation starter. But now, after everything she'd gone through, she wanted to feel closer to Kurt, even if in name only.

The nurse kept talking, but Jane only heard bits and pieces as she looked around the room. The walls were white and sterile, and a curtain separated one half of the room from the other. She wanted to know how she got here, how long she had been here.

"…gebrochene Rippe, aber es geht Ihnen und dem Baby gut."

Jane's attention snapped back to the nurse. What did she say? "Baby?"

"Ja du bist schwanger." The nurse looked confused and started mimicking the action of rocking a baby in her arms.

"Baby?" Jane repeated. "No…" her mind raced. This couldn't be possible. This had to be some sort of translation error. Her German wasn't great; she clearly misunderstood what the nurse was saying. "No, no, I had a miscarriage."

"Baby," the nurse repeated, continuing to move her arms. She stared at Jane, as if this alone would convince her. "Eine sekunde," she said, walking out of the room. A moment later she reappeared, another nurse by her side.

"Hi," the second nurse started. "You speak English?" he asked, his accent thick but Jane nodded appreciatively. "You broke a rib, but you and the baby will be fine. We've got you on some drugs for the pain, but the most important thing is –"

Jane cut him off. "No, I…. I lost the baby. There was blood," she tried to explain again.

"Ah, no, see – pregnant," he pointed to a line on the chart. "Few weeks."

He continued to talk, giving explanations and medical terms that Jane barely heard. She was pregnant. Or more, she was still pregnant. She hadn't lost the baby somehow. Her mind raced, but this time, it was with happier thoughts. It wasn't over. She hadn't failed.

The nurse finally left, after asking her a few more questions, and Jane lay back in her bed, exhausted, scared, happy, confused … she didn't know what she was feeling. But she only had one thought on her mind.+

After a quick check to make sure the other bed was empty, Jane dialed the room phone to the number she knew by heart.

"I'm coming home."

* * *

The pro is that it at least ends at a natural kind of point. Jane is coming home to Weller.

Truthfully, this story has a lot more in my head, but I've been struggling with motivation and it just isn't there. Even though I know exactly what I want to happen, I can't manage to care more than a one paragraph summary (Jane makes it, but Kurt gets hurt, she reaffirms she's there for him and they are stronger together).

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and review. It means so much more than I can say.


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